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As you can see from my posts, I’ve been studying the Song of Solomon in recent weeks and an apparently novel concept popped up in discussion the other day. Tommy Nelson states, matter of factly, that men want respect and women want tenderness from their mates. Now, I don’t think he meant to the exclusion of all else, but that little statement has raised quite the discussion between some of my friends.
As an explanation a friend of mine offered her experience with her husband in counseling thru an argument they were having. Their counselor explained: “That ultimately, getting to the bottom of it, the man was hearing that the woman didn’t trust/respect him to [blank] and the woman was hearing that he didn’t care enough/love enough to [blank].” It does seem to fit. So, are we wired this way culturally or intrinsically?
Do men want respect and women tenderness? Don’t both men and women want both and aren’t they completely interrelated?
I know that I may be greedy in wanting both, but perhaps my concept of tenderness is wrapped up in the whole idea of respect. I believe that respect intrinsically ties to the concepts of character, tenderness and care. I would hope that if someone respects someone else (of either sex), they are going to do their best to be tender in their conveyance of truth and feelings. In essence — they care enough about that other person to put a little extra effort into being responsible about the words that come out of their mouth and the actions that they engage in.
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For me, its the tender things that communicate respect and vice versa. Like listening and remembering stories, desires and details. Sharing a private language of laughter and jokes. Little looks and touches that make the day seem brighter. Doing the small things that make life more livable. You know, living with daily gestures of love and appreciation instead of relying on the grand gesture when you mess up.
I was talking to a Northeastern friend of mine on the phone this weekend and we began to discuss the dichotomies between the Southern and Northern dating expectations. He was baffled about the whole door opening thing. To him it connoted a less than mentality. As in — women are “less than” men and therefore need to have the door opened for them. He stated that he wanted a partner — someone with whom there would be an equal exchange on all fronts. I can see where he is coming from especially since his definition of opening a door equated to DIS-respecting someone. I explained to him that its all in the definition. To a Southern girl — opening the door is a sign of tenderness and care. One of those little things that say “I care about you.” So he asked me — does that mean you open the doors for guys as much as they do for you in expressing tenderness and care. I kind of grinned and acknowledged his point that no, I don’t open doors for guys — but I do a lot of other things that convey respect and tenderness… things more geared to what men appreciate. It made me laugh though — his point was a good one and brought my mind to this whole concept of BOTH men and women wanting respect and tenderness.
How does tenderness correlate to the “women’s lib” movement and being an independent woman seeking partnership? Can a woman and man in partnership with each other desire tenderness while also being respected for their abilities and success? I really don’t understand why we need to dismiss tenderness in order to be “liberated or modern.” Do we really need a harsh reality in order to be liberated?
Tenderness or respect? Are they irreversibly entwined or separate concepts entirely? And really…which is which in the long run?
